


This time is sweeter than honey

by Jeanne_Sans



Category: Mass Effect Trilogy
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-20
Updated: 2020-02-22
Packaged: 2021-02-26 13:10:45
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,734
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22848463
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jeanne_Sans/pseuds/Jeanne_Sans
Summary: Shepard processes some hidden traumas.





	1. Trauma

Shepard gazed through the windows, a beer can in hand. She had isolated herself in a hotel room on the citadel and for the first time in a long time, there was nothing but peace and quiet around her. She took a sip from the can, enjoying a rare moment of solitude. Soon she would have to go back to the Normandy and resume her chase for the Collectors’ base. But for now she was celebrating.  
The day she enrolled in the Alliance was public knowledge. Not many people however knew how much of a struggle this had meant for her. She had not just tried to avoid a life of petty theft. She had been looking for a way to regain control over her life, to shape her own future.  
Now, on the 14th anniversary she wondered about the choice she had made and what could have been. Had her life been easier? Obviously not. She had known many ordeals since then, the kind of experience that had scarred her for life. First there had been Akuze; she had lost so many friends to the thresher maws it was a miracle that she even survived. And then, two years ago, the deal between Saren, the Geths and Sovereign happened. They would have destroyed all galactic civilization if not for her and her team’s constant efforts.  
She threw away the empty can and stretched her arms. She had survived more absurd than a Reaper. Two years ago, just a couple of months after the death of Saren the rogue Spectre, she had died in the destruction of the Normandy SR-1; then her corpse had been recovered by a criminal organization that spent billions just to resurrect her. Not so long ago, she had come back to life and a new mission was assigned to her. She sighed. As if the Reaper threat wasn’t enough, they had to find a new ally. Of course, the galaxy was too busy with the hard task of denial, as usual.  
A yawn escaped her lips. There was still hope, a slim chance to prevent the Collectors from abducting human colonies and stop whatever deal they had with the Reapers. But right now, she was on shore leave.

***

“We both know what they are capable of.”  
Ashley stepped forward as she spoke, her tone serious as she tried to make Shepard see reason. It was no use, Shepard wasn’t even listening. Ashley was too close; she had to get away from her. She stepped back.  
Ashley probably thought Shepard was backing from the argument so she took a another step forward.  
“Cerberus is not the enemy,” Shepard lied, only to realize that it made Ashley angrier and more willing to ‘shake her awake’.  
“You turned your back on everything you believed in,” Ashley retorted disapprovingly.  
“I did this for the colonies,” Shepard pleaded. “The Alliance might have turned its back on them, but you can’t expect me to do the same.”  
The argument was lost on Ashley. Her mind was set on Cerberus.  
“They used the threat of the Reapers to lure you here, didn’t they?”  
At this point, Shepard knew the question was purely rhetorical and that the conversation was turning into a monolog. Garrus attempted to refocus the topic on the reason that brought them all there in the first place but Ashley just ignored him.  
“I know where my loyalty goes,” Ashley said as she started to leave. “I’ll always be Alliance first.”  
Shepard watched her get into the shuttle waiting for her nearby; its blue metallic shape then disappeared into Horizon’s sky.  
‘Whatever,’ Shepard thought.  
She sighed. At this moment she didn’t realize she might have lost a friend. All she knew was that her private space was clear again.

***

“Shepard!”  
Liara greeted her with a kiss. Shepard stiffened, slightly uncomfortable in her lover’s embrace. For Liara, it had been two years, two years of pain and grief. But for Shepard… She took a seat in front of the desk. Then quickly, Liara explained what had happened to her, the loss of Shepard, the chase for her body against the Collectors and the fate of her friend Feron…  
“I became an information broker. It had paid the bill since that… well, for the past two years.”  
It was audible. The young Asari couldn’t bring herself to speak of the crash. Her reddened eyes told the commander that Liara had been crying ever since that day and that she never stopped. The sight was heart-breaking. Hopefully, Shepard had received some precious information from the Illusive Man that would most likely get the doctor T’Soni out of her miserable state.  
“I know where the Shadow Broker is,” she began. Soon she told her everything she knew.  
Liara’s face changed. First she could see with her own eyes that Shepard had really come back, now she would soon have the opportunity to try and rescue another lost friend that she had thought condemned. She got up, speechless, and then she went for the door without any second thought.  
“Are you okay?” Shepard called after her.  
Liara stopped.  
“I was trying to get revenge,” she said. “Now I can make it a rescue. Thank you.”  
“Wait. I’ll help you! Let’s meet at your apartment… if-if that’s okay with you.”  
For the first time in a long time, Liara smiled.  
“Let’s meet you there,” she almost whispered.  
She took leave.

***

Tracking down the Shadow Broker hadn’t been easy. Vazir, another rogue SPECTRE had made sure of that. And then there had been the platoons of mercenaries hired to guard the Broker’s ship and eventually they fought the man himself. He happened to be a Yagh, a very big and violent one. He met his fate in a strange way, unique as himself. His kinetic barrier had collided with the generator hidden in the ceiling, thanks to Liara’s powerful biotics, which had caused the Yagh to disintegrate into a white explosion.  
They did it! They had rescued Feron and defeated one of the most - if not the most - influent individuals of the galaxy. Shepard looked around, still a little disoriented from the blast. She had not had the time to stop and rest since the beginning of the chase. She heard the synthetized voice of the Shadow Broker and jerked awake. It was just Liara standing and speaking over the main console. That was the time Feron chose to enter the room a pistol in hand. When he could see with his own two eyes that the Shadow Broker was long gone, he lowered his weapon.  
“I couldn’t let this chance pass,” Liara explained, her arms raised in a conveying gesture. “I couldn’t do much before, but with this I can give you information. With this, I c- I can…”  
She choked on her own breath, tears menacing to fall. Feron politely excused himself and he left accompanied by a groggy Tali. For that, Shepard was thankful. She and Liara truly needed this moment of privacy.  
“Shepard, I…” started Liara, her tone apologetic.  
“Sh.”  
Shepard hugged her and allowed her to cry on her shoulder. And Liara cried a lifetime of unshed tears.   
When she kissed her favourite commander, she felt her shiver under her touch so she let go.

***

Shepard leant forward on the hand rail. The trip to Mr Taylor’s hideout had been exhausting in many ways. What they had found was far from what they expected, and much worse. Many of the Hugo Gernsback’s crew had died. Those who had survived the crash of the ship had suffered a torment worse than death.  
Now, Shepard was standing next to the man responsible for all this, Mr Ronald Taylor himself. As soon as he saw them, he spoke with a warm gratitude than sent chills down her spine.  
“I knew a real squad could pull through just fine. Don’t worry, once we’re out of this hell you’ll be compensated properly. I’ve been saving.”  
At this vain attempt at bribery, Jacob stepped forward. Shepard could see the fire in his eyes.  
“What about your crew, Acting Captain? They were counting on you to get out of this hell and how did you help them?”  
At this point, Shepard lost the thread of conversation. Her former self would probably have made it her duty to bring justice to the world, even if it meant listening to the pathetic excuses of a failed tyrant, but she was tired. She was tired, disgusted, revolted against the abuse she had witnessed, and it made her blood boil in her veins. She began to pace. Jacob was still arguing.  
“That’s it? You created a harem and played king? Ten years in a juvenile fantasy?”  
“I can’t point to where it all went wrong. But when the beacon was ready, revealing what happened didn’t seem like a good idea.”  
Jacob levelled his gun to his father’s forehead. Shepard could see that Jacob hated his father so much, and considering what they had just witnessed, she couldn’t blame him. Hell, Shepard would have killed the man herself if not for her first-hand experience on the numbness of death. Death was too sweet a punishment for such a criminal.  
“We can help these people,” she tried to rationalize. “Cerberus can have ships here in days and pull everyone out.”  
“He’s not worth the fuel to haul him out, or the air he’s breathing.”   
Death was a privilege Ronald Taylor did not deserve. Jacob’s eyes met Shepard’s. He seemed to understand what she had in mind because he lowered his weapon almost immediately.  
“He’s damned lucky I don’t even think he’s worth pulling the trigger. I don’t know who you are. Because you’re not any father I remember.”  
“We’ll secure him for an Alliance court,” Shepard went on. “For every year here, he’ll have ten to think about it.”  
“Give him all the time in the galaxy. The man who did this doesn’t know right from wrong.”  
“I’m sorry, Jacob,” Ronald Taylor sighed, defeated. “I did the best I could.”  
“I’m ten years past believing that.”

***

A whole month had passed since their latest mission on Aeia, and Shepard’s mood hadn’t improved one bit. Garrus had a sickening feeling in his guts. This was wrong. Whatever was afflicting Shepard so much, he seemed to have caught her state of mind like it was some kind of contagious fever. No matter how much he cared, he couldn’t help and he couldn’t get the stubborn commander to talk. This was depressing.  
Thank the goddess for the nosey psychologist yeoman.  
Shepard was walking absent-mindedly in the CIC room when she was interrupted in her reverie by the not so comforting voice of Kelly Chambers.  
“Commander, I think you should have a word with Garrus.”  
“What is it?”  
“He seems a bit distracted lately, almost sad. He wouldn’t tell me about it and I didn’t want to pry.”  
A psychologist not prying? This sounded awfully ominous.  
“Thanks Kelly, I’ll be going.”  
Shepard hurried to the main battery where she found Garrus pacing and muttering to himself. She steeled herself, remembering that the only time she had seen him in this state he had been plotting vengeance and murder.  
“Do you mind if I join you?” she asked cautiously.  
“Sure,” Garrus said in a distracted manner. “Have a seat.”  
Shepard sat on a crate. Garrus just kept pacing.  
“What’s going on, Garrus? What’s on your mind?”  
He stopped, carefully avoiding her gaze. He didn’t know how to broach the subject.  
“You’ve been in a bad mood since we came back from Aeia,” he tried tentatively. “I worry.”  
“What do you mean?”  
For the first time in a month, Garrus looked properly at his commanding officer. She was rather pale, her skin had obviously not been exposed to the sun in a while; her eyelids had turned purple from the lack of sleep, with a red glow that suggested that she had cried often; her once fit uniform was starting to hang loosely on her thin frame, betraying the fact that her body had not known a decent meal since then. Garrus gasped. If he could see it now, then everyone else had probably noticed the same thing a long time ago. This was not good.  
“You know you can talk to me, Shepard. About anything.”  
Shepard looked pensive for a moment, her brows furrowed in concentration. Then in a split second the frown was gone and was replaced by a look of pure agony. She quickly got to her feet and ran for the door.  
“SHEPARD!”  
She was gone.

***

Shepard stepped outside the elevator and into her room. She walked to her computer then paused for a moment. She was scared. She had never felt so scared. She was in command of a ship and she had never felt so painfully aware of how human and fragile she was or how much of an impact this could have on everything. She had so many responsibilities, so big a duty to fulfil. She could not let it be compromised by something as insignificant as her own personal health. In the grand scheme of things, did she matter as person? No.  
Somehow something felt wrong about all this thinking. Something felt very wrong indeed. She fell into a sitting position on the stairs, out of breath. Everything was feeling so dark and hopeless, and here she was. Drowning in her own pain.  
No. She needed to get a grip. Her crew needed her. She needed herself. She had let herself go for too long. A whole month without the attention she needed. Medical attention. Psychological help. The physical aspect of things was routinely checked out because of her type of fieldwork. She was exhausted but healthy. As far as the medical reports were concerned, she was simply getting exhausted from her high pressure job, which was in fact getting more and more dangerous, ominous and demanding. Everyone was nervous but no one was asking questions.  
But her oldest friends knew somehow that something was up. That this wasn’t just exhaustion, that she was feeling bad. They didn’t know why. Oh lord Shepard hoped they would never have to know why. But she needed to tell someone. But not just anyone. Someone she could rely on, someone she trusted. She was going to need therapy as well. She didn’t like the idea but she had to do what she had to do.  
First things first.  
She needed to calm down right now. She took deep breaths, tried and tried, only to find herself more and more agitated. The memory was resurfacing again. She was tired of fighting it, she needed to let it go. But she was scared. So so scared.  
Quick. Choose a confident now. You are going to have a flashback all alone in your room.  
Oh she knew the tell-tale signs of a flashback. She used to have them a lot after Akuze.  
Dr Chakwas. She would know what to do, what to prescribe. More importantly she was an experienced military doctor, she had nerves of steel. She could handle anything Shepard was about to throw at her.  
Quick. Quick. Only her right now. Only her. For now.  
Shepard got to her feet and carefully walked to her computer. She chose the sick bay private channel, took another deep breath and pressed the button. She waited. A few seconds, a few minutes, then the computer rang back at her. She took the call.  
“Shepard, hi. I was just finishing with a patient. what is it?” said the even voice of Chakwas.  
“Doctor Chakwas, I need to speak with you in private.”  
Shepard never called her Doctor, usually only Chakwas. Oops. A slip of the tongue, a testimonial of her emotional state.  
“My office is clear for the day. You can come and talk to me right now.”  
“I would prefer that you come to my office.”  
Shepard was thinking of the giant windows, of the proximity to the kitchen and the mess. What would happen if she lost her cool down there, so close to her crew? She hoped that Chakwas would understand.  
“I see...” said Chakwas. There was a two second pause then she said: “I’ll be here in a minute.”  
There was a small electronic screeching indicating the end of the communication.  
A minute. Shepard could barely hold it together at this point. Somehow she found her way onto the sofa and buried her face into her hands. It was bad. She was feeling bad. A state of mental chronic pain. She should have been used to this sort of thing by now. But this trauma was very unique. She had prayed her lucky stars for years that this had never happened to her. Ever. Not as a street kid smuggling drugs, not as a female space cadet in training. Never. So why now. This should never have happened to her. Not like this. Not when she was so strong. Not after having being reinstated as a Spectre. There was a knock on the door and the synthetic voice of Edi.  
“Doctor Chakwas is here.”  
“Let her in. Then give us some privacy.”  
“Very well.”  
The door unlocked and Chakwas stepped into the room.


	2. Healing

Shepard used to have them sometimes, after Akuze. Panic attacks. They would come and go. It would take her by surprise, this horrid sensation that her own ribcage had closed down on her lungs, and that it was trying to squeeze the air out of her. She never understood why but it made her feel so weak and ashamed. Everyone around her had assured her that it was a normal reaction to the terrible ordeal she had been through. But what about now?  
She was reading basic mission reports when it happened. She remembered reading the date and that something felt wrong about it and then, there she was, lying on the floor of her private cabin, gasping for air, her whole body drenched in cold sweat. Why was this happening now?  
She heard a noise. It made her heart jump. Had the door just slid open? Had someone walked in? She just couldn’t move. Then Garrus was in her face, a look of pure worry in his eyes.  
“Shepard! Talk to me, Shepard!”  
He helped her in a sitting position.  
“Woah, slow down. I’m dizzy.” She weakly protested.  
“What’s going on? Are you okay?”  
“Yeah… it was just a panic attack.”  
“A panic attack?”  
“You heard me, now help me get to the couch.”  
And so he did.  
“Shouldn’t you go to the infirmary for these?”  
“No, no need. They’re harmless. Just very scary to go through.”  
During the whole exchange, she had tried to keep an even voice but as soon as Garrus had disappeared into the bathroom to fetch a glass of water, she started to cry. She knew why she had this attack. She knew why too much. It hurt to remember everything in perfect details. She wanted to throw up the feeling, she wanted to punch it out of herself, but all she could do was cry, and cry. And cry some more.  
“Shepard, what’s this about?” Garrus asked in a soft but concerned voice. “Do you want to tell me?”  
“Do I have to?”  
“Well… it’s up to you I guess. But it’s good to have someone to talk to about this stuff.”  
“I talked to Chawkas. She knows.”  
Garrus didn’t press for more details. Shepard was grateful for that.

***

“Do I have to say it with my own voice?”

Shepard blurted out the words. She didn’t know what to say, where to start. She was facing Kelly Chambers, both were sitting in the commander’s cabins on the couches. Shepard shifted sitting position, obviously uncomfortable.

“Say what with your own voice?” asked Kelly while taking notes.  
“What happened to me. Do I have to say it?”  
“Well…” Kelly was pensive for a bit, but then she said “It’s up to you. But it would make things easier to know what I am supposed to help you with.”

Shepard started hyperventilating. She felt cornered. Just thinking about the event she was reliving the whole thing again. She couldn’t stop it. Why couldn’t she stop it? The mighty Shepard, so powerless. What a joke. She put her head between her knees, feeling dizzy. She didn’t want to go back there again. Not again.

“We can take a break if it’s too much right now.” offered Kelly.  
“No it’s ok.”

Shepard straightened her back. It wasn’t ok, but it would never be ok unless she broke this self-defeating pattern she had fallen into. Unless she broke the silence.

Many thoughts started flashing through her mind. She was afraid about her image. What kept her going through the years was the faith people had in her. They saw her as strong, no matter what, they believed in her and her ability to get the job done, to make the right choice always. Some even believed her invincible: she was after all responsible for making the world a better, safer place from Saren’s scheme. If she told the truth, would she lose it all? Would she lose herself to this one event?

Then she remembered how people were fearing her now because of her new association with Cerberus the infamous “Pro-Human” terrorist group. All of a sudden, her fear of losing her image to the Event seemed silly. She was hated on by so many of her former Alliance friends, including Ashley; she couldn’t fall lower than that even if she tried. Somehow she felt freer knowing this truth. She could only move forward, only make progress, she could only get better.

“Shepard?”

She had not realized she had been silent for this long. She looked at Kelly. The yeoman didn’t seem worried, she was patiently waiting. She was young but expertly trained. Maybe Shepard could trust her, maybe Kelly could help her carry this burden.

“I have to say it” Shepard said, feeling calmer than she had since over a month. “I think it’s time.”  
“Ok.”  
Deep breath.  
“On the 14th anniversary of the day I joined the military, I was raped.”

***

"How are you today, Commander?" Kelly asked.  
"Fine", Shepard answered between clenched teeth.  
"Just fine?"  
Shepard clenched her hands on her knees until her knuckles turned white.  
"Did you want to talk about anything specific?"  
"No, not really. Uhh I mean yes".  
"Really?"  
"Uhuh"  
"Are you sure?"  
Shepard's shoulders tensed up. She took a deep breath.  
"I'm listening", Kelly said softly.  
"I couldn't sleep last night. I kept having nightmares."  
"Do you want to talk about it?"  
"I'm not sure I can."  
Shepard unclenched her hands only to bury her face in her sweaty palms.  
"What am I doing... I'm supposed to be stronger than this".  
Tears started falling from her eyes.  
"I killed them", Shepard finally spoke.  
"You killed whom?"  
"The people who did this to me, I killed them."  
She showed her shaking hands to Kelly. There were scars all over them, and they were fairly recent judging by the color. The nanites coursing the commander's blood were emiting a faint glow that was showing through the scar tissue.  
"You didn't have those scars earlier" Kelly remarked with worry. "How did this happen?"  
"I cut myself", Shepard answered promptly. "Of course thanks to Cereberus, I heal really fast, but still..."  
"I'm sorry you're hurting so much."  
Kelly took the commander's hands in hers. Shepard quickly pushed Kelly's hands away.  
"I killed them with my biotic powers." Her voice was shaking. "They didn't stand a chance."  
"I see," Kelly spoke. "Are you afraid of what you might do to other people?"  
"Yes."  
"I'm sorry, Shepard, but taking into account what you just told me, this is a perfectly normal reaction to what you went through. Luckily this is treatable."  
"But what if I can't be treated? I should be locked up."  
"Why are you saying that?"  
"I'm supposed to be a paragon of justice. Instead, I killed half a dozen people with my bare hands out of revenge. This isn't right. This isn't like me. I don't know myself anymore!"

***

Jack glanced at her commanding officer from across the room.  
"I know that face," she said bluntly.  
Shepard was pacing and fidgetting, and mostly trying her hardest to avoid eye contact.  
"What face?"  
"The face of a guilty conscience."  
Shepard stopped in her track, still avoiding eye contact.  
"I know what you're going to ask me," Jack continued. "It's a big fat no."  
"You don't even know what I was about to say."  
"I don't need to know the details. I'm sure that whoever they were, they deserved it."  
Shepard sighed and shook her head. She left without saying a word.  
"You're welcome!" Jack shouted after her.

***

Shepard dodged a punch and threw one but missed.  
"Is that all you've got?" Garrus taunted her.  
Shepard went on with the blows and finally landed a punch on Garrus's chest. He was thrown a few steps backward.  
"Nicely done." Garrus's tone was playfully sarcastic.  
He kicked Shepard bellow the knee and she fell.  
"Not fair," she complained.  
"Those are the rules of the game," Garrus replied with a smile on his face.  
"That's it, I'm done." Shepard muttered.  
"What, already?" Garrus was genuinely surprised.  
"Yes, already."  
"I never took you for a sore loser, Commander."  
Shepard avoided responding to this other taunt. She massaged her hands. They were glowing and not from her scars. She was trying to contain her biotic powers for fear of using them.  
"What's wrong with your hands?"  
"Nothing."  
She hid them behind her back.  
"You weren't thinking of using your biotics on me, were you?"  
"What? No!"  
"That would have been cheating, you know."  
Shepard jokingly punched Garrus's chest one last time.  
"I know," she said.  
Her sparring sessions with Garrus weren't as catarthic as she had hoped, but they were slowly proving to her that she had control over her powers, and for that she was grateful.

***

"How is therapy" Liara asked.  
"Slow" Shepard ranted.  
"Slow progress is still progress!"  
Shepard sighed, exasperated.  
"I know. It's just that I wish things weren't so damn difficult."  
"It will get easier with time, I promise."  
"Do you speak from experience or are you talking out of your ass like everyone else?" Shepard spit impulsively.  
"Sadly I speak from experience."  
Shepard was taken aback by this confession. Liara's voice was calm, even. It was such a strange contrast to the gravity of what she just admited to.  
"I don't want to burden you with this, Shepard. I have some other news, good ones. I'd rather give them to you in person. Can you come to my ship in a few hours?"  
"I'll be there."  
Shepard ran into action. She took a shower, got dressed in her fancy suit and asked Joker to travel to the Hourglass Nebula. In four hours tops she was standing in the Shadow Broker's office, a flower bouquet in hand.  
"Shepard, I'm so glad you could make it! I'm so happy to see you!"  
Shepard initiated the hug. She was glad she was once again able to enjoy this form of intimacy.  
"I know we spoke earlier on the vidcom, but how are you doing?"  
"Fine, no worse than earlier. What about you? Didn't you have something important to tell me?"  
"You might want to sit down!" Liara answered excitedly.  
She was smiling, her cheek turned purple. They sat down in the lounge area of the office. Feron was nowhere in sight.  
"Where's Feron?"  
"He left to give us some privacy."  
"What is it?"  
"Shepard, you will not believe this! I'm pregnant!"  
There was a moment of silence. Shepard's mind was flooded with violent intrusive images. She took a deep breath and let it out slow. She took Liara's hands in her own, her fading scars still glowing.  
"I'm glad." she finally spoke.  
She really was. She had always wanted a family, to settle down with a wife and children. She wanted a house somewhere on a farm, with cats and dogs. But life in the military had been rough and Shepard had almost given up on her dream. But here it was, a breath-taking miracle. She had found the love of her life and they were going to have a child together. She cried tears of joy.


End file.
